If you knew me, you would know that the person you see is not truly who I am. You would see a confident person with positive vibes. In reality, I’m the complete opposite of that. If you knew me you would know that I have a lot of passion for the people I care about. If you knew me you would know that I don’t really enjoy school because it keeps me from doing the things that I love. If you really knew me you would know that my family background is a hard story to tell.
If you really knew me you would know that I’ve always had a love for cosmetology and everything that has to do with beauty. If you really knew me you would know that my parents are divorced and have been since I was four years old. If you really knew me you would know that I am adopted by my great aunt and uncle who I now call mom and dad. If you really knew me you would know that I have twelve siblings, five half siblings, one step, and six adoptive. If you really knew me you would know that I color-code my closet, but my room gets very dirty still.
If you really, really knew me you would know that my parents never get along and rarely agree on anything. If you really, really knew me you would know that I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been going to counseling since I was four. I just stopped going last year. If you really, really knew me you would know that I could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. If you really, really knew me you would know that I can’t even ask for ketchup or napkins, or get a lady from Walmart to help us with our scanner, without having an anxiety attack. If you really, really knew me you would know that I have a weight problem and have had one for a long time now. It makes me really insecure. If you really, really knew me you would know that I am afraid of people my own age. I never do very well with my peers unless they’re my friends. If you really, really knew me you would know that sometimes I feel like I do not belong, that there’s nobody to fall back on.
If You Knew Me…
If you knew me you would know my name is C. I have blonde hair with the underneath dyed brown and blue eyes. I’m fourteen and I have a nine-year old brother. If you knew me you would know I’m an athlete. I play softball and it’s practically my life. I’ve been playing for about five years now. If you knew me you would know I’m a country girl who loves to hunt, fish, and go mudding with my dad. If you knew me you would know I love joking around, especially with my friends.
If you really knew me you would know I play the violin. Not many people know this because everyone says I don’t seem like the kind of girl who plays the violin. If you really knew me you would know I’m extremely picky about a lot of things. If you really knew me you would know I’m a lot like my dad but look more like my mom. If you really knew me you would know I’m not good at writing or talking in front of groups of more than 10 people unless I really know them. I get really nervous and feel like I’m going to mess up. If you really knew me you would know that I’m extremely scared of clowns.
If you really, really knew me you would know I have really low self-esteem and have no confidence in myself. If you really, really knew me you would know I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like I’m messing up and disappointing people. If you really, really knew me you would know I’m almost constantly fighting with someone in my family. It’s not always my fault and I hate it, but that’s how my family is. If you really, really knew me you would know I’m in constant fear of something happening to my parents or my brother or my parents getting a divorce. I know a ton of people go through it, I just don’t want to be one of them. If you really, really knew me you would know I shoot my bow, read, or listen to music as an escape from everything. Even if it’s only for 10 minutes, it helps.
This Is Me.
If you saw me, you would see that my favorite color is black, which I wear a lot (goes with almost everything). You would see that I am obviously a punk kid, another moron that spends his class-time in the halls. Or that I don’t care for people. This is mostly false. If you don’t respect me, I don’t respect you. Quite simple actually. But that is only if you saw me.
If you knew me, you would be able to know that I am actually a nice person. You would know that I am VERY energetic but I lack in ways to use this energy. I spend most of my time listening to music and playing video games. I have two families that have their own ups and downs to them, whether it be the responsibility of watching 3 boys, or having the least say out of 4 teens. My family isn’t always understanding of me, though. That is why my friends are more family to me sometimes. They know more about me than most. C is my little brother who outgrew me. He’s pestering, sometimes annoying, but he has always been there. J is the weird brother that is always energetic when I see him, the one that I share most interests with. T is the big brother that is sort of irresponsible, but is right down the road (literally) when I need him. M, little sister, is misunderstood but full of energy. All of us are friends, and are all we need.
If you really knew me, you would know my favorite bands are My Chemical Romance, The Offspring, and Falling In Reverse. You would know that I am generally pleased with my life. But I’m not all happy. Not everything is black and white. You would know I’ve never met my biological father. And that the dad who raised me didn’t know I wasn’t his son until a few years ago. That same year, my uncle who I looked up to died of cancer. That year was the worst for me. 2013 sucked. A lot. My life is a roller coaster, with ups, downs, and the stupid loop that NOBODY enjoys. But I’ve got friends who care, who help me survive the loops. Practical misfits of a generation, bound together in the fact that we are alike. I’m one of them, and I am glad that I am.
Sickness is overwhelming.
He is savage,
He knows no boundaries
follows no rules
releases no one.
He screams and shouts and cries
at your unbearable pain
or insurmountable damage.
Uncaring, Sickness rips at your soul
with his charred hands
and glossy, unseeing eyes.
Cloaked and tattered,
Sickness steals comfort
and rouses anxiety.
He ravages the psyche
and burrows in the darkest pits
of every body.
Single. How to explain what I have learned about being single… Well, I could describe it as being free from consequences, not having to make sure that somebody else is okay with me doing something with other people, but it also means not having anybody to do things with. It means not having to fight about all of the small things, but not having any of the small things to talk about at all. It means not having to deal with another’s drama, but secretly wishing it was there.
Single. How to explain what I learned about being single… Well I could describe it as lonely. Being single is lonely because you pretty much don’t know what to do with your life. You sit at home, thinking of that person who brought you such joy, while at the same time, wishing for a person just like the one you are thinking about. You sit and you ponder and you search, hoping to just find that person who will make you happy. Sometimes you think you find them. You start to develop feeling for this new person and wait on them for days and weeks and months, disappointed because they don’t feel the same way. Or maybe the reverse: you find they have feelings for you and you hate to admit you don’t have any for them.
Single. How to explain what I learned about being single. Well I could describe it as confusing. Being single is confusing because you want, more than anything, for somebody to step up and say they like you, or to give you small hints that they are interested in you. So without realizing it, you start to read into the things that are not signs, and ignore the ones that are. You gain a sort of over-confidence that makes you think you can go for the most popular, best looking, most talented. Only, you find out that they aren’t interested in a “guy like you” or “such a good friend.” You learn that you shouldn’t go for someone who can do better than you because it only increases the chance of them cheating on you or finding someone newer and better than you.
Single. How to explain what I learned about being single… Well I could describe it as a black hole. I can explain being single as a black hole because when you are single you find that girls “friend-zone” you way more than when you weren’t single. I can describe it as a black hole because when you are single it is hard to get back into a relationship, no matter how hard you want to get back there. It is a black hole that, once it sucks you in, is impossible to get back out of.
Single. These are the things I learned by being single.
And sarcastic filth.
Hushed whispers defined by dread.
Childish pleading, shining with fright.
The unspeakable words, dipped in doubt.
It’s ironically ingenious.
Those shining souls mention dull words,
lost throughout our beautiful
lives. Our glimpse of thought:
Full of it.
Full of greed and
hatred and anger.
He walks cocky and self-
conceited, without a doubt.
Why, they ask? Why is he like this?
They have no answers. He is odd, no
doubt. But it was she who transformed him out
of this childish way of life. It was
she who brought him back to earth, back to
reality. How they ask? Why
would someone like her be with
someone like him? She loves
him. No one knows how.
Or why she does.